Obedience to Authority: A Funeral Director's View

With each incorrect answer, the voltage increased. The learner, following a scripted set of responses, began to show discomfort, plead to stop, and eventually fell silent as the voltage climbed. 

Throughout the process, if the teacher hesitated or expressed concern, the scientist used a series of standard prods, such as, "Please continue," "The experiment requires that you continue," or "You have no other choice; you must go on." This verbal pressure was a key element of the design, testing the limits of obedience. 

However, variations in the experimental setup demonstrated how this obedience could shift. For instance, when the authority figure—the "scientist" in a lab coat—was physically present in the same room, participants were far more likely to comply with orders. When the scientist gave instructions over the phone, obedience rates dropped significantly, as participants felt less pressure to conform in the absence of a tangible authoritative presence. Similarly, when the setting was moved from the prestigious Yale University to a less formal location, compliance rates also decreased. 

These variations highlighted how situational factors, such as proximity to authority and the environment’s perceived legitimacy, significantly influence obedience. The experiment not only underscored the human tendency to defer to authority but also shed light on the conditions that can diminish or amplify this tendency. While the Milgram study has faced ethical scrutiny, it remains a cornerstone in social psychology, offering profound insights into obedience, authority, and the complex interplay between individual conscience and societal pressures. These findings were published in 1974 for review by the public in the book Obedience to Authority: An Experimental View.  

Similar Replications

Replications in the United States, Germany, and other Western nations yielded similar obedience rates to Milgram’s original study, with many participants willing to administer the maximum voltage. Interestingly, studies in cultures with strong hierarchical or collectivist traditions, such as Japan, have shown even higher rates of compliance, reflecting cultural norms that emphasize respect for authority and group harmony. Conversely, some replications in regions with a more individualistic focus, such as Australia, reported slightly lower obedience rates, though the overall trends still aligned with Milgram’s findings. 

More Recent Replications

More recent replications, like the 2009 study conducted by Jerry M. Burger in the U.S., aimed to modernize the experiment while adhering to updated ethical standards. In Burger’s study, the voltage was capped at 150 volts (a key point where participants often first hesitated in Milgram’s original experiment), and participants were debriefed more thoroughly. Even with these changes, Burger found that about 70% of participants were willing to continue past this point when prompted by an authority figure, showing that Milgram's results still hold true decades later. 

How Does This Apply to Funeral Service?

Are we conducting unethical experiments with our families? No! Are we causing pain to those who seek us? Of course not. In fact, we do our best to make sure the process is as painless as we can make it (sorry about all the paperwork). However, we go to school to learn a business and skill that is not well known to the public, so that automatically puts us in the role of “the scientist.” Now, when I use the word “authority” to create the parallels, I am not using it in the Nurse Ratchet or dictator sense, but rather as it applies to someone with expertise on a particular topic.  There are some things that have always stuck with me about this experiment and how it would apply to funeral directors as authorities;

• Appearance- What constitutes the appearance of authority in funeral service fluctuates, of course, and it should be adapted to the situation that you find yourself in. Of course, I don’t forget my people in the Southern United States who must battle hot temperatures. But as the Milgram experiment shows us with the effectiveness of the scientist in the lab coat, appearance makes a difference in how well we are heard. Let’s consider the “classic look” for a funeral director as described by ChatGPT:
• • Black or dark-colored suits, often paired with a crisp white shirt and a conservative tie.
  • Neatly groomed hair, clean-shaven or well-maintained facial hair, and polished shoes are standard. 
  • Minimalistic jewelry (if any) and accessories are common to maintain a dignified and neutral appearance.

So right off the bat, let’s exam the biggest issue with these bullet points; they all describe a man. Obviously, women have gained much ground in funeral service and that will continue with most mortuary school graduates being women. So, let’s take these three bullet points and adjust them for a feminine appearance (again this is ChatGPT, not me):   

• • Dark-colored suits, dresses, or tailored separates, often in black, navy, or other subdued tones. A conservative blouse or shirt in white or a neutral color paired with the suit. 
  • Hair is neatly styled, often in an updo or a simple, well-maintained hairstyle. Makeup is typically minimal and natural, highlighting a clean, polished look. Jewelry is kept simple, such as stud earrings or a discreet necklace, to maintain a professional and respectful demeanor. 
  • Accessories are understated—perhaps a small, classic watch or a name tag—but nothing overly flashy. 

I used ChatGPT for this section on purpose; this draws from the public picture of us rather than my own perception. However, I am sure that none of us finds this description surprising because we can look into our closets and see the aforementioned garments hanging on the racks. However, I would like to highlight the second bullet point in both categories; neatness. I am sure that we have all worked with funeral directors that look a mess despite meeting the description. Just because you put a suit on, doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, in my opinion the less put together one looks in a suit, the less likely I am to take them seriously.

This can be an important point for those of you who are young and reading this. It is a real challenge for an early twenty something to project the authority necessary to influence the opinions of septuagenarians and octogenarians but looking put together can go a long way to show how serious you are.  Supervisors of said twenty-somethings are also well advised to give guidance on this topic as well.

These experimental results also imply that if we become too casual, we also lose credibility. In one of the iterations of the experiment, the scientist didn’t wear a lab coat and was less effective. I know that many of us adapt our appearance to match our customer base, but maybe there is something to be said about identifying your version of the “lab coat” and making it present. Perhaps the arrival in a vehicle with Landau bars is all it takes.   

• Proximity and Setting- This can be difficult for us to control at times considering that much of our initial contact with a family takes place over the phone. Through the lens of the results of the Milgram Experiment, we must be advised that this is a situation when our authority is going to be the least effective. How can we better convey our authority from a distance?
• • Use a professional tone- it is tough to do at 2 am, but on the other hand this may be the time you need to use it the most because not only are you and the caller physically distant, but mentally as well because of the time of day. 
  • Establish expectations- As we all know, even experienced families don’t always know what to expect, so it is up to you to provide guidelines. This can actually create a more comfortable environment for people who are lost.  
  • Active listening- I think we can all agree that the best funeral directors we know are great listeners and active listening really makes people feel heard.  
  • Next steps- just like establishing expectations, giving people direction for when you meet again is helpful to them, and gives them a chance to participate in the funeral planning, which for many can be therapeutic. 

Now let’s consider in-person meetings.  First the setting; does your funeral home convey that you are an authority? I am going be direct here- the grandma’s living room feel to some funeral homes makes me consider that the whole operation is run in the same way; stagnant. In this world of modern contemporary with organized looks we have that expectation. We also remember that consumers have more access to information about funeral service before, so they may come in with ideas or expectations about a funeral home. Since we are the authority, they are working with, we have an obligation to project that even in the building design.  

What about while making funeral arrangements? Consider the two main practices; across a desk from each other or sitting at a table next to each other. Both have their value. Sitting across from someone at a desk absolutely projects authority. We are taught that from a certain age when some of us are sent to the principal's office. But is that too much authority to exude on people who are grieving? Perhaps, and if you consider the rest of the setting and the proximity, then maybe sitting together at table is the best way to comfort families while maintaining authority.  

• Verbal pressure- Funeral service professionals often face the criticism of pressuring bereaved individuals into unnecessary purchases. This fear highlights our significant authority in these situations. Our goal, of course, is to guide clients honestly and ensure they receive the best service possible. While we must enforce necessary charges like permits and basic fees, it can be challenging for the public to distinguish mandatory costs from optional ones. Here are some suggested words and phrases to help us maintain authority without appearing rude or pushy: 
• • “Let’s proceed with...”- establishes direction  
  • “I recommend we...”- offers a solution  
  • “I have found that...”- shares experience in a non-imposing way 
  • “I’ll take care of this...”- shows you are in control and are willing to act  
  • “In my experience...”- positions you as the expert without being forceful  

I am sure that most of these you use in your daily professional lives to comfort people, but we should also consider phrases that aren’t intended to be rude but could be, especially when you are trying to be sensitive or sympathetic.  

• • “I don’t care if...”- this might be seen as dismissive or that you are uninterested, even if that is not your intention  
  • “Just trust me...”- this can imply that you don’t value their input, and for people who are working with something unknown to them, it doesn’t put them at ease 
  • "That’s not how we do it."- sounds inflexible, and even if it is something inflexible, for example procuring a permit, using a phrase like “the current procedure in place is...” instead clarifies in a more palatable way.  

None of this is new to you, as it exemplifies professional behavior. So why discuss it? For those familiar with my embalming content, I emphasize not just knowing what to do, but understanding why. Data from Milgram's and Burger's social experiments remind us how the human brain responds to authority. When we wear the suit, we become the authoritative figure. Unlike Milgram's experiment aiming to push subjects to shock others, our goal is to provide care.  

The tough part for all of us is that there seems to a be a question as to the value of a funeral director, because of the public perception that we are charlatans, as opposed to helpers. Of course we know, there is more to just digging a hole and putting a person in it.  

Given the various aspects of our job, we must act as a hub to connect others with the right authority on a topic. Because we have a variety of experiences in different disciplines, it can be hard to see where our expertise ends and reference to someone else should begin. Most of us are not lawyers, doctors, or grief counselors, so it's essential to know when to refer someone to an expert. Overstepping our bounds can damage our credibility and reflect poorly on funeral service. 

Here are some signs that it's time to provide a better reference for someone. 

• Feeling uncertain or hesitant- this could a sign that something is outside of your expertise so recognize when your confidence wavers.  
• Relying heavily on guesswork- If your answers are vague rather clear or informed, you may require someone with more expertise.  
• Getting into technical or complex details you don’t fully understand- the topic may be out of your depth and it's time to redirect.  
• Struggling to provide examples or evidence- if you don’t know where you are getting your information from, this conversation may be too specialized 
• Other people’s questions are getting more specialized- you probably need someone with a better knowledge base 

Remember, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know,” and sometimes that’s the best way to maintain the presence of authority. In Chicago we say “I got a guy” when situations like this come up. Here are some more professional ways of saying this;  

• "I believe this falls outside my area of expertise, but I can point you to the right person who can help." 
• "I think you’d be better served by speaking with [person/department], as they have the specific knowledge you're looking for." 
• "For this particular matter, [person/department] is better equipped to handle it. Let me connect you with them." 
• "That’s a great question, but it’s best addressed by [person/department], who specializes in that area." 
• "I’ll get you in touch with [person/department] who is best suited to provide the information you're looking for." 

Keep in mind, the person you need might be right there in the building with you, especially if you are relatively new to funeral service or the area. Asking for help is a great way to maintain credibility, and the family may still need your help interpreting what the expert says in their context.  

This exploration of authority in funeral service draws parallels between the Milgram experiment and the role of funeral directors. While we aren't conducting unethical experiments, we do have a unique position of authority, much like the "scientist" in Milgram's study. As funeral directors, our appearance, demeanor, and communication all contribute to how our authority is perceived. We would do well to remember when and to what degree we are donning our proverbial lab coat. Of course, with some of clients, our “lab coat” for funeral service has been present for years, so much so that it is not necessary to get it out. On the other hand, we will have people who have never had an interaction with a funeral director and that “lab coat” might be bright, white, and starched so we must be thoughtful on how we are using it.